On the meltdown at the Guardian...
Mad outbursts in national newspapers are like the rays of sunshine glinting through the storm clouds of international news. It's lovely to be able to sense the person who wrote the news, and get a sense of his or her vibrant perspective on the events they're writing about. It adds interest to information that you might otherwise wish to totally disregard. Like for example information on Cricket! So let's turn towards today's cricket report on Guardian Unlimited. It starts reasonably enough:
"It's really simple: India are already through, New Zealand have to win."
But then it goes a little pear-shaped:
"Meanwhile, have you ever thought what sort of life is this and what the hell am I doing boarding a train for Moorgate at 6.30 In the morning and then standing around for ages waiting for a tube while staring at a sign telling you that if you wait for four minutes you can board a train to Uxbridge I'd rather wait four hours for a journey with the Grim Reaper quite frankly and then you get to work and then there's this and I know the cricket's good and all that but I've got out of the wrong side of bed this morning and in any case it's not as if I'll write a cracking match report and then get rewarded by being sent on a wonderful assignment around the world because I'll be very surprised if any of my bosses will read any of this let's be honest they won't although on the other hand that's probably just as well.."
And that's before the weblog-style grumpy commentary kicks in! I mean - classy, fascinating comments emerge like, "Asger Kring works for a Copenhagen media company that publishes several newspapers. "Do you want me to inquire whether they are looking for an over-by-over commentary guy?" Yes. Yes. YES! YES! YES!!!! Not that I'm desperate or anything." By the ninth over, people are writing in with their improvisational 'hit the keyboard with your fists' comments:
"I must have a different keyboard-banging technique from Leonard," types John Kirby with his big fists. "I get 'ytcdskljojnvds.lkzsedli;j un fesalmjni vfesa;lmija;mju fceiv faewj;omivrewaomiu; svfeomijuhlvesmu;oilgvrstmjloivtrseomiju,' which looks rather like Finnish."
God, my sides would be shaking hard as Shakin' Stephens if it wasn't (as Matt has pointed out to me) potentially a 'wacky' Red Nose Day thing. Wouldn't that just drain all the life out of it? Like all the life out of it? I hate Red Nose Day. It's so desperate and tiring and forced. And they think they're being so cool and down with the kids. Grrr. Wankers.
Addendum: Worth reading the comments on this one - you might learn something. I certainly did.
Comments
Please stay on-topic, informative and polite. I reserve the right to remove comments for whatever vague capricious reasons seem reasonable at the time.
Wouldn't it be ironic if this meme created the backlash that finally put the bullet in the dying beast of Red Nose Day?
→ Posted by: Tom Steinberg at March 14, 2003 2:16 PM
Actually they're like that all the time, Tom. It's got nothing to do with Red Nose Day.
→ Posted by: Bobbie at March 14, 2003 2:32 PM
Tom - I'm disappointed you didn't read the very similar antics during the World Cup last summer, when some of their commentaries were much more interesting than the matches themselves...
→ Posted by: Neil Mc at March 14, 2003 2:39 PM
The Mexico v USA game is a particularly classic minute-by-minute and was quoted by Gary Lineker as part of the BBC coverage of a later USA game.
→ Posted by: Mark at March 14, 2003 2:47 PM
Dude it is a conspiracy. No doubt about it.
→ Posted by: azeem at March 14, 2003 3:15 PM
Neil, I really don't think you should be disappointed as such - my knowledge of sport and sporting commentary is far from complete but that's because of a total and abiding lack of interest, not because I'm being slack! Can it really be true that they write like that all the time? I hope it's true, but I fear I will never again be in a position to check...
→ Posted by: Tom Coates at March 14, 2003 3:22 PM
If it gets taken down it's available here to chuckle at: http://www.sassylad.co.uk/blog_stuff/guardian_capture.htm
→ Posted by: deej at March 14, 2003 3:23 PM
Tom - really, it is. Their commentaries are worth reading even if - like me - you have no interest in cricket. One of the few things on the web (apart from Winer in full flow) that's likely to inspire a hearty guffaw.
→ Posted by: Neil Mc at March 14, 2003 4:12 PM
For those of you who aren't aware - Neil works at The Guardian and helps to maintain a site at OnlineBlog.com - so I guess he's probably pretty trustworthy. I think this is highly entertaining though, since I've been sent the link by independent people about fifteen times since 1pm, none of whom saw it on my site and all of whom believe the Guardian to be pushing its correspondents to the point of insanity! It's clearly doing the rounds of the internet, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's the most-read episode of that particular stroke-by-stroke column ever!
→ Posted by: Tom Coates at March 14, 2003 4:56 PM
I agree on two points: 1) sport commentaries are better than the actual event, 2) wearing a hairy red nose and deeley-boppers *is* desperate and tiring and forced, but spending an hour and a half of work's time attired with such gizmos and ending up with over £50 in small change has got to be worth the effort...hasn't it? Ah well, suit yourself... ~; p
→ Posted by: s3d at March 14, 2003 5:21 PM
Yeah, I remember some of the commentary from World Cup 2002 very well...
'It's a berth in the last eight of the World Series for the States, and you can't say these jocks haven't deserved it after a superb offensive display. Germany await: there'll be a hell of a lot of towel-flicking in the locker room tonight. Actually, despite my tedious riffing, this needs to be said: the US have been worthy winners today. And many apologies to Beau Giles from San Francisco, who has sent me an email with the subject heading: Dude, you're totally harshing my buzz, man.'
→ Posted by: Darren at March 14, 2003 5:23 PM
Really. This Red Nose Day is even more incomprehensible than Cricket, and being a furriner my mind wasn’t created to ever truly get Cricket in the first place. But sport commentaries can be rather fun. I too have zero interest in any sport, but I still read the Hunter Thompson piece on ESPN.com.
→ Posted by: Nicklas at March 14, 2003 7:36 PM
Trust me. I work at the Guardian, and this was not a "Red Nose Day" prank. This stufff is run of the mill for their regular minute by minute coverage.
So less of your "grrrr Wankers" sneering, thankyou!
→ Posted by: Stephen Dunn at March 14, 2003 7:43 PM
Did this remind anyone else of Complicity by Iain Banks?
→ Posted by: Jon at March 14, 2003 7:49 PM
Surely this takes liberal self-hatred a little far though? Plus also - does everyone work at the Guardian? Why don't I work at the Guardian, that's what I want to know...
→ Posted by: Tom Coates at March 14, 2003 8:07 PM
Tom - you mean you *don't* work at the Guardian? Damn - I'll never visit again :-)
→ Posted by: Neil Mc at March 14, 2003 8:37 PM
I work for them, but they don't let me in the building.
→ Posted by: Ben Hammersley at March 14, 2003 9:07 PM
I wrote for The Guardian when they had Shift-Control which just makes me old. It was the days when Paul Robinson would write about getting a haircut. I guess that makes him a pre-blog blogger.
→ Posted by: CATFUNT at March 14, 2003 10:27 PM
I wrote for The Guardian when they had Shift-Control which just makes me old. It was the days when Paul Robinson would write about getting a haircut. I guess that makes him a pre-blog blogger.
→ Posted by: CATFUNT at March 14, 2003 10:27 PM
Of course, there's a long tradition of bizarre and amusing cricket commentary; Test Match Special has never been particularly po-faced, from Johnners corpsing, through 'The batsmans' Holding, the bowler's Willie,' to discussion about fruitcakes sent in by listeners. Cricinfo's coverage also has its wittier moments. I thoroughly approve of the Guardian's contribution to the corpus, having heartily enjoyed it on many occasions.
→ Posted by: Jonathan Sanderson at March 14, 2003 11:59 PM
Of course, there's a long tradition of bizarre and amusing cricket commentary; Test Match Special has never been particularly po-faced, from Johnners corpsing, through 'The batsmans' Holding, the bowler's Willie,' to discussion about fruitcakes sent in by listeners. Cricinfo's coverage also has its wittier moments. I thoroughly approve of the Guardian's contribution to the corpus, having heartily enjoyed it on many occasions.
→ Posted by: Jonathan Sanderson at March 14, 2003 11:59 PM
I don't work for The Guardian either - but after the week I've had (check the media sections), I'd very much like to. Gissa job. I could do that. Go on, gissa.
→ Posted by: Vaughan at March 15, 2003 1:51 AM
The sports bits are the only parts of the Today programme worth listening to.
Red nose day - even my totally teleholic 8-year-old couldn't take more than four minutes of it and [gasp] turned the television off himself. Once-in-a-lifetime experience. Or perhaps annual experience.
→ Posted by: qB at March 15, 2003 3:56 PM
So, out of all the comments above, nine of them are from Guardian employees or contributors.
Erk!
→ Posted by: Bobbie at March 18, 2003 5:04 PM